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U need a joke section to lighten things up

Meet people in the same sector as you or with similar situations.
ChangeCanada
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U need a joke section to lighten things up

Postby ChangeCanada » Tue Sep 06, 2005 4:29 pm

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
:oops:

------------------


A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." she says.

"Well, if I pay $100, what does the girl get?" he asks.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop. Finally, he reaches another brothel.

The man asks the madam says, "If I pay $100, what does the girl get?"

"The girl gets $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" exclaims the man. He looks around the room and points out a gorgeous red head. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," replies the madam, while gesturing towards a 70 year old woman in the corner, "but, Ethel here has seniority."
:shock:



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Postby NC » Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:58 pm

This one does not translate well to the written word, go tell it to someone... it's funnier that way.

begin:

This is a "Union member to his Union", Knock Knock Joke...


Knock Knock.....




Who's There....?







































get it?



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Postby jorver » Wed Sep 07, 2005 10:28 am

very good . i like the one about senority.



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Postby Dpro » Fri Sep 09, 2005 8:31 pm

*** SCABS*** URGENT BULLETIN ***
BE ON THE LOOK OUT

We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven scabs working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin. Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt-Kissin all have been taken into custody.
At this time, no on fitting the description of the seventh scab, Bin Working has been found.

We are confident at this time that anyone who looks like he’s been Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you have Bin Doin!



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Now, how's this for serendipity?

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:25 pm

Now, how's this for serendipity? This is something I read recently.

The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Now you and I can relax and not have to worry about spelling mistakes when we do important reports for clients. Cambridge University says It doesn't matter. The only problem I can see is, it takes an hour to send email messages off when you have automatic spell-check turned on. But hey, it's the latest thing and therefore it's cool! So do it.

It's geivs me garet pidre to konw, taht wehn it ceoms to slpelnig, I've been at the lindeag egde of sicecne all my lfie. So, jsut wchat the frsit and lsat lteters of ervey wrod you selpl, and you, too, will be at the lindeag egde of sicecne.

Yuor finerd Dpro



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Getting a ticket

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:28 pm

I went to the store today, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked doughnut eating Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse s*#t rolled up in pig s*#t and put inside
an old Girl Guide uniform.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then, he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care... my car was parked around the corner.

He was putting tickets on the car that belongs to a scab.

You know one of those that think it is their right to take the food out of the mouth of those of us who are trying to get fair (honest) pay for and honest days work.

Being locked out does have its benefits!


Hang in there brother and sisters, it will get better….LOL



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Postby Admin1 » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:29 pm

Okay thats great I really liked that and it is about the only thing I can comment on in this site. Did you compy an paste that cause I really like it.
Great to have you aboard. :lol:
The one about the words I like. That is. Can't comment on the others.
The sign one about the bass is cute to.
Last edited by Admin1 on Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.



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I'm the Boss

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:30 pm

I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"



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Memo To All Employees

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:39 pm

Memo To All Employees

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program
is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees
who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our:

Special High Intensity Training (SH*T). We take pride in the
amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given our employees
more SH*T than any company in this area. If any employee feels
they do not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate
supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive
all the SH*T you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.



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Overworked!

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:41 pm

Overworked!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real
reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are
in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in
prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.



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Retirement.... AHH!! Yes

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:42 pm

Retirement.... AHH!! Yes

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should
try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another! trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing
the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough
for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her! to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell
her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I! support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at
your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is still under investigation).



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A guy goes to the Phone Company to apply for a job.

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:44 pm

A guy goes to the Phone Company to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are
from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a telecommunications job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that.



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Last night while I lay sleeping

Postby Dpro » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:45 pm

Last night while I lay sleeping
I died or so it seems.
Then I went to Heaven,
But t'was only in my dream

But it seems St. Peter met me,
There at the Pearly Gate,
He said "I must check your record
So stand right here and wait."

He returned and said, "Your record
is clouded up with flaws."
But on earth I see you labored
For a very worthy cause.

You fought snow & ice in the winter,
Drove posts in the summer heat.
Then frowned upon by the public
When you stopped for a bite to eat.

I saw where you drank whiskey,
And used tobacco too.
Fact is you've done everything
That a good man shouldn't do.

We can't have men like you up here
Your life was full of sin,
Then he read the last of my record
Grasped my hand and said "Come in.'

He took me up to the Big Boss
Said "Take him in and treat him well.
He worked for the telephone company, Sir

He's had his share of hell."



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Postby goatdancer » Sun Oct 02, 2005 6:06 pm

The whole world's nuts except you and me and I'm having my doubts about you.




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